I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
