My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
