My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize