this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
