After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
try to milk me bitch
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