I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
