tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
