i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
