nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
