even my farts smell like vagina
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
