Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
