i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
