Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
3 2 1 whiskey
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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