Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
