By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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