Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
