i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
