awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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