Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
