Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He's a Shit stain on my heart
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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