So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
