Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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