Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
