Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
