I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
