Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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