So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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