He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
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