so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
