you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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