my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So here I am, sexting at work.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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