he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
