oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
