I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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