I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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