Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
