So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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