i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
