Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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