If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
