Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
