I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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