I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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