Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Randomize