Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
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