just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
