Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
