I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
