well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The air was thick with penises
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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