I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
