Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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