I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
