I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
