All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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