I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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