so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
