The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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