I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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