New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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