before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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