The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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