dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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