I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
