the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
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