thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
