Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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