I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
