Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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