Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
