If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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